Two For Tragedy
by Sailor Blue Monster
Summary: Harry married Bellatrix and is now a teacher at Hogwarts. What could possibly be wrong? A lot of things.
1. Chapter 1  Wish I Had An Angel

While Harry Potter was saying goodbye to his wife when a big car was driving by and out of the car came Aslan, a lion from Narnia who had killed Harry Potter's parents when they were on vacation in Forks, where they were visiting Bella and Edward who had invited them to see a fight between vampires and werewolves, but Gandalf interfered because he wanted to eat some snake meat from Nagini who was secretly a pink lesbian from a town called Godric Hollows, a place where all the stars were born.

Meanwhile; a very alogical, red, baleful, blue, anodyne, green, nice, aureate and sexy person was going through a very avaricious, blithe but less commensurate brown door.

The delphic, brusque person is Harry Potter and the febrile, imperious and derisive door leads to the interminable, lissom bathroom on the listless seventh floor.

Inside the lurid but at the same time moribund and multifarious bathroom a mellifluous girl from Ravenclaw is waiting for him translucently.

Meanwhile in the nascent other bathroom which was too nominal and restive for Harry and the preponderant girl from Ravenclaw, the protuberant and pruriently redivivius students Ron and Hermione are making out in the most redolent way.

Suddenly a very ruminant professor Snape musicianly opened the sapient door. Ron and Hermione stopped making out torpidly and looked vapidly professor Snape with stygian eyes as if absolutely nothing had happened.

Snape looked at them timorously with an nocturnal night of the beautiful wildlife and then promisingly walked out of the languid room bereftly.

Meanwhile Harry and the combatant girl from Ravenclaw who was not very glitzy sufficiently were sincerely undressed and making out numerously. Then they freely got naked and went in to a faint toilet booth of meditation. Then Harry touched her games of deceit beastly and they had lots and lots of wily sex.

But Harry was dastardly thinking about Mrs Norris the whole Shakespearean time.


	2. Chapter 2  You Belong To Me

Mrs Norris was Chuck Norris' husband and Harry Potter's lover.

Meanwhile Draco was sitting in the library, staring at Hermione. She was so beautiful and sexy. But she was muggleborn so he couldn't like her. But why did he then think she was hot? He was confused.

Suddenly Pansy came (into the library) and shouted to Draco that she was bored and wanted to have sex.

Meanwhile Harry Potter was drinking some muggle beer he had found at the train station.

Meanwhile Dudley was at home combing his grandmother's hair.

Meanwhile Draco, Hermione and Pansy had a threesome.

Meanwhile Ron was counting his socks and read out loud from the diary of Tom Dolder.

Meanwhile the sentence of conviction was rotten with goodies box slept in the book of years I Fleur have bought dear. Manual turned them away from one another. The four boxes to inspect the translucent mirror of its beauty had been a fast-dining restaurant. Harry's Games of meditation by the look of the stars are cool, planted by the seed of the world could not swim, had a double bloody kitchen bathroom throughout the whole year, after wandering over the free from public business. Student was the lives nor the normal labor and after the species of that which was only the glitzy and the going up of the wedding. Fun in the family of another man 's lives in the apartment and a night, of life. "Um..." The old man stated that glass bowls a terrible quote from the old French men are not sufficient to protect the Hogwarts School of witchcraft and sorcery, and guests hungry. He taught the sport often is used to detect the hidden Snape's robe is a very rare thing, such as Harry's silence was observed. "Oh, emotjejer are hot", he whispered and dragged the tea out of the nocturnal drawer made from skulls of the hours of twilight. Not the crowd of beautiful wildlife do not understand how to create magic with numerous expansions which give you the house parties all over the world. The star of a promising career if you asked Hakan rowdy who rode around the motorcycle in the city, passed town life stories of witches San Andreas. The animal is connected to the vacation, before the hot. "That would be sincerely attractive in an nocturnal alley" the old man said and began to spur the faint guns of doom in his closet full of secrets only demented dogs from heaven could display. Then they We heard a combatant noise from the tea pot.

Meanwhile well was all. Years nineteen for Harry pained not had scar the. "Will he know I." Forehead autumn the his on scar lightning the touched and broadminded hand his lowered he, her at looked Harry as.

Meanwhile under the threesome someone suddenly opened the door and it was...


	3. Chapter 3  Because Of You

Mrs Norris was Harry Potter's lover and Chuck Norris' husband. Mrs Norris was sitting in the couch when she heard that her husband was coming home from his trip to The Fat Lady because she needed help with her bed. Mrs Norris tried to hide all the pictures of Severus Snape, because she was secretly taking pictures of him.

However, she did not hide her pictures of her lover Harry because Chuck Norris thought they were cousins because they had the same hair colour.

But they didn't have the same faceshape because she was stalking Ron because she thought he was hot because he visited Middle Earth with his abnormally large brother whenever he had time to because his mother didn't care if they were in the Middle Earth or on Mars because she was famous and in prison because she bought candy on a Sunday and they were not allowed to buy candy except for on Saturdays because that was the rules because otherwise everyone would end up like Ron Weasley because he ate candy because he was hungry because people are usually hungry because that's how humans work.

Chuck Norris was an exchange student from America because they didn't have magical schools in America because Dumbledore thought that it was stupid to teach the Americans magic because he wasn't American so why would anyone else need to be American? Mrs Norris thought good of Dumbledore because he was her stepfather and stepbrother at the same time because incest was against the law because there were too many purebloods because Voldemort was in a coma under the 60's because someone forced him to use the man pregnancy spell on himself because he was on drugs and he didn't really know what happened because his mother was mean to him.

She didn't like him at all, she just yelled at him because he always failed his English tests in Hogwarts because they didn't have any English tests in Hogwarts because they thought it was unnecessary which it certainly wasn't, which Voldemort proved because he couldn't even spell his own name because he was evil because his father had taught him to be evil because he was evil because his car got a flat because it was allergic to garlic.

Meanwhile during the threesome with Hermione, Draco and Pansy someone suddenly opened the door and it was Severus Snape that wanted to join them!

Hermione and Draco looked at each other and then...


	4. Chapter 4  Walk in the Sun

**Author's Note: Hi! We are sorry about the delay for the next chapter, we've been really busy with schoolwork. I know everyone says that and that you probably don't believe that anymore but we swear that it's true this time. Slutslayer is writing now because wants to: I mean, not literally swearing as in "damn" or something. It reminds me of this really funny scene from Twilight when Bella is sitting in the couch with Jacob and he is saying something and Bella is like: "do you know that that word has a brother? His name is shut up." Then they both laugh hysterically. Then I remembered that I don't like Twilight. Still, that part of the book always makes me smile. Like in that song by Lily Allen. "At first when I see you cry, yeah it makes me smile..." Oh, wait... that didn't make any sense. I didn't laugh because they were crying. I mean, they weren't crying. Do you know who cries a lot? Cho Chang. I never liked her. I bet she's a reincarnation of Sadness. Yes, I bet. As in money. I don't know how the dollar system works though because in my country we don't use dollars. And now I remember that I'm really broke so I changed my mind. We're not betting. I still believe Cho is a reincarnation of Sadness and I'm a reincarnation of Awkwardness and Awesomeness at the same time. Because something went wrong and Awkwardness and Awesomeness was combined into Awksamreness which is the ultimate form of the twins Awkwardness and Awesomeness. I really like twins. Like those twins in A Double Shot at Love. They are both blonde and bisexual. I like blonde hair because it's beautiful but I prefer blue hair obviously because I am Sailor Blue Monster. I have purple hair right now though because I am, as you know, the reincarnation of Awksamreness. If you don't believe in reincarnations then you believe in them now because I've just proved that I am indeed the reincarnation of Awksamreness. I just got a message from my friend. She is in New York right now, isn't that awesome? Not as awesome as me of course but nearly as awesome as me, the reincarnation of Awkwardness and Awesomeness. Anyway the song I'm listening to right now is good. I know, I know, I'm going off topic, but I just have to say this... "Get It Up" by Mindless Self Indulgence is a great song. The band itself is really great. My favourite song right now is "Never Wanted To Dance" but I'm thinking maybe "Get It Up" is even better now... favourite songs change all the time you know. Now I changed to "Revenge" instead. I don't like the intro to that song, it's lame and waaaay too long. But once the song has really started it goes into Epicness Mode. It's a shame that I wasn't a reincarnation of Epicness. I wonder if Oprah is the reincarnation of Epicness... he probably is. Lucky bastard. Bastard... that reminds me of a movie I saw a week ago. It's called 2012. Everyone has probably already seen it but... DON'T WATCH IT! It's one of those movies that really get into your brain and begins to move furniture there. They use different scare tactics to brainwash into believing what we are seeing. It wouldn't surprise me if people would fly to China a week before the 21st of December and search for spaceships or whatever they were using and try to leave the Earth. Holy crap that would be hilarious. Then the world doesn't end and everyone sits at home and facepalms at those poor, poor people that believed what they were showed in the movie. I'm thinking about writing a paper about it and name it "the brainwashing tactics of 2012". Does that sound good or would you prefer something more pretentious? Perhaps something more like... "The Visions of A Man Trapped In The Year 2011". I don't know how that would be relevant but hey there you go. Also do you know what I hate? Science. It's not that I don't understand the subject itself... now that song "Money" is playing again. I don't like the song but for some reason I can't stop listening to it. Perhaps there is some sort of brainwashing technique in that song as the one used in the movie 2012. Oh, right, now onto the story! **

...Draco and Hermione told Snape that he could join them. Snape got undressed and jumped into the threesome that had now turned into a foursome. He was really happy because he got to have sex with Hermione because he had stalked Hermione for weeks and wanted most of all to have sex with her.

_Hermione had eyes of the bluest skies, as if they thought of rain. Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place. You were always the one to show me how. Her lips looks soft as snow. She's got a smile that reminds me of childhood memories where everything was as fresh as the bright sky. She reminds me of the one in school when I was cutting she was dressed in white. Her nails, I could kiss them all day if she'd let me. She was going to be an actress, she was going to be a star. _Snape thought during the foursome.

**A/N: We know that the chapter is short but in the next chapter there will be... PLOT TWIST**


	5. Chapter 5 Everybody Hurts

**Harry's POV**

Harry was playing poker with Ginny.

**Edward's POV**

Edward felt a strange scent from the house.

**Bellatrix's POV**

Bellatrix realized that she was watching her past self do something abominable!

**Bella's POV**

Bella was building a snowman.

**Ginny's POV**

Ginny was thinking about how hot a certain someone was.

**Abraxas' POV**

Abraxas was riding on a horse in the woods with the other elven vampires when he felt a disturbance in the air.

**Hermione's POV**

Hermione felt warmth in her body. Her elven powers that she got from her real parents were beginning to awaken to Snape's dismay.

**Snape's POV**

Snape wondered if there was something wrong with Hermione because she didn't participate much in the foursome.

**Chuck Norris' POV**

He was totally mad until he realized that the Messiah had awakened!

**Ron's POV**

Ron was pondering because Snape was late for Potion's class which was odd. Maybe he was having a hot foursome with Hermione who had soft lips as snow and eyes of the bluest skies as if they were thinking of rain and a smile that reminds of childhood memories where everything was fresh as the bright sky who reminded of that woman in school who was dressed in white and Pansy and Draco. Ron laughed because that would be totally impossible and out of character. Then he fantasized about eating a sandwich.

**Narcissa's POV**

She watched him fall down in the river and cried.

**Random Russian Dude's POV**

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

**Voldemort's POV**

And then Voldemort ceased to exist.

**Mrs Norris' POV**

Chuck was mad at her because he suspected that she might be having an affair with the Ravenclaw girl Harry slept with.

**Dobby's POV**

Dobby realized that the Chosen One must have appeared!

**The Ravenclaw Girl Harry Slept With's POV**

She was sitting in the bathroom in tears while singing emo songs when her boyfriend appeared whose name was..._ TO BE CONTINUED_


	6. Chapter 6 CENSORED BY VEVO

*CENSORED BY VEVO, UNIVERSAL MUSIC GROUP AND EXPANDERADE VAROR AB*


	7. Chapter 7 Simple And Clean

Fairies were in the woods as usual, sparkling as usual. They were singing but the authors were too lazy to write down lyrics so they wrote about pizza on their facebook statuses instead.

But then Hermione awoke as the Messiah and the first thing that happened was...!


	8. Chapter 8 You Are Not Alone

Snape got in to the classroom and looked at the pupils.

Nobody of the knew that he was going to rape them.

Snape said to the class that he thought that they should stay after class to get a surprise. Everyone was happy because they wanted to have a surprise. But they didn't know…

The class ended and the pupils stayed. Snape locked the door and told everyone to undress themselves.

After a few minutes all pupils were undressed except Harry Potter that stood in the center of the classroom.

"Why don't you undress yourself?" Snape asked him

"No I don't want to" he answered

"But you have to" Snape said and looked angry at him

Harry started to undress himself.

"I want you first" Snape said and poked Hermione on her boob. She moaned and Snape smiled with is pedosmile.

He edging her up on a bench and raped her.

Then it was Ginnys turn. She moaned when he was starting to fingering her pussy.

After an hour or so he had raped the whole class including Harry Potter.


	9. Chapter 9 She Falls Asleep

**What in the name of God... did you read those previous chapter? I must say, you deserve a gold medal. Oh, well, the strange parody continues with chapter nine: She Falls Asleep.**

Narcissa watched Voldemort die. She was pleased because she had killed him with her own hands. But she didn't know that he was about to be reincarnated. So she called Bellatrix over to celebrate that she had killed Voldemort. But Bellatrix was watching her past self, Bella Swan, while she was masturbating. So Narcissa was celebrating with herself and didn't know that Bellatrix was planning to have sex with her past self.

MEANWHILE Harry Potter and his friends had a threesome. Those "friends" were Hufflepuff girls. Hermione was jealous because Harry wouldn't look at her. So she thought that she would become sexy as hell. Hermione had a magic hair straightener-thing left from the ball that was years ago and a sexy corsettdress that she had got from her aunt about a year ago. Now it was time for MAKEUP! She had loads of makeup with her to Hogwarts for a reason the author refuses to mention. First she painted lipstick all over her lips and then loads of mascara and white eyeshadow. She was freaking hot now. She went down to the Potions classroom and asked Snape if she was looking hot. He answered:

"When I see your face, there is not a thing I want to change about it, because you are amazing just the way you are."

"Um, okay", Hermione replied and ran away from the classroom faster than Bellatrix cums.

MEANWHILE _TO BE CONTINUED _was having sex with his girlfriend, the girl from Ravenclaw that Harry had sex with. But then they stopped because she revealed that she was pregnant with ...'s child.

ABOUT 15 YEARS LATER

Voldemort was reincarnated as the Ravenclaw girl's daughter. But nobody knew that because she had hidden the baby. But it was now at Hogwarts, fifteen years old and all. _TO BE CONTINUED _was teaching in Defense Against Black Magic. Snape was still teaching Potions because he was a pervert and immortal and everyone liked him as much as he liked teenagers. Dumbledore was still alive for some reason and everyone had threesomes and was happy.

But then Ginny was cumming in the bathroom. Everyone looked up and one person shouted: "I thought there was going to be something dramatic! Like the second awakening of Voldemort!" Another person shouted back: "I thought so too but it was only Ginny that was cumming. I saw it and it was nice!"

But they didn't know that the end was near! Nobody knew that and that was because... CONTINUES IN THE NEXT CHAPTAH


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